The person I am and the life I am living could not be fathomed by who I was three years ago. A year ago, even. My motive today is the need to share how intensely grateful I am for everyone who has entered-and exited-my life; everyone has taught me a lesson and polished me with the wonderful grit they bring with their passions in life, no matter if they have been positive or negative influences on me. This post isn’t going to outline some revelation I’ve made that has brought understanding into my life, its purpose is to help me do my best to portray as well as I currently can how incredible this feeling of happiness that has occurred to me is, how genuinely I feel it, and how I feel responsible to somehow bring this utter contentedness to everyone.
I don’t care who you are reading this; it doesn’t matter. I know you care enough to read it and are interested, however mildly or intensely, in what I have to say, and that’s so important. You’ve made an impact on me just by doing so. You help me feel heard, whether you’ve spoken to me about what I’ve written or not. This, a seemingly unimportant act, has empowered you to empower me-you’ve given me a voice. A voice cannot be heard unless someone listens, and I thank you oh so much for listening to these things I value.
There are no words to explain how thankful I feel for the love that has bestowed upon me this year. I honestly think it’s beginning to make me short-circuit. It’s two weeks into my Senior year and I’ve been placed into a group that most people dream of being placed in. My mother was on her homecoming court, and I thought of her as a unicorn for it. So, in my own little way of thinking, I’ve now become a unicorn as well-because for some reason a lot of you want me to stand on a stage on our track in formal wear in fifty-degree weather because you seem to like the fact that I dress like a ten-year old from the seventies and use the vernacular of a pretentious grandmother who only reads classics, watches period pieces, and talks to trees because they understand her. That last bit about trees was a bit of an exaggeration, but you all know how much of a ‘love everyone and everything will be okay’ type of person I am-and I realize that this is not something that can become a universal reality in the blink of an eye-but despite the things in life that can’t be fixed with empowerment and the disintegration of ignorance, you seem to agree with me.
I want to showcase how freeing it is to not. Care. About anything. Anything, in this respect, refers to whatever people might judge about your character. I’ve learned that you can’t just tolerate what people believe or how they act if it goes against how you believe or how you act. This is because it breeds resentment. You can’t be entirely happy if resentment exists in you. Then, if you really do care about how people see you, they’ll see this resentment in the hesitation of your movements and how uncomfortable you are in certain situations. When you don’t care, it isn’t confidence people see, it’s you. They see you. If you’re respectful and considerate of how people really are, you’ll see who they really are-entirely. And they see you. Which is what you’ve done for me. I’ll admit-I do think I’m good with words… But until I can explain to everyone and make you understand how entirely I want you to feel the gratitude I feel, I will not be the writer I want to be.
It’s crazy. Completely crazy. Even when I’m unable to calculate who I am and how I should act like myself when I’m in an environment I’m not used to, the acceptance you’ve bestowed upon me is unreal. I know, I know, you can’t tell. Nobody can ever tell, will be able to ever tell, the inner workings of another’s mind-especially because our definitions of words and translation of emotions are only felt by ourselves based on our genetic codes and life experiences (a topic for another time)-but I’m not confident one hundred percent of the time. I can feel myself being a bother. I regret things I say. I regret how I say them. I’m self-conscious about my appearance and various things I think I need to improve on. Still, just because these things are true does not mean that I want to be built up with words. I am not searching for compliments-compliments that occur naturally are the ones that I am thankful for, the ones that have done their part in inspiring this message-I am just stating facts. It is okay that I am not confident one hundred percent of the time. It is okay that I fail at speaking to people I look up to. It is okay that I trip over my words and present myself imperfectly in front of someone I’m attracted to. I can regret things. Flaws are beautiful. Beauty is flawed. I think that’s one of the reasons I’m so moved by you and the things you’re saying and doing. You’re realizing this as well. I’d hope that my existence is helping you come into your own and discover yourself. Your kind words are giving me the feedback I need to know it’s working. If you don’t think you’re beautiful, know I do. I will tolerate and accept what you think is negative about yourself until you become aware of yourself enough to love yourself. Flaws are beautiful; beauty is flawed.
It might be that all the love I’m feeling is the love you’re feeling; towards me, towards yourself, towards us. I feel everything, man. I feel so much. Thank you for helping me feel so much.
All the love,